mutayymate ;;

wow, I haven’t posted anything in a while but thanks to those people who have visited me!!
you must have been a little dissappointed to find nothing here ahaha,sorry.

this week has been pretty uneventful in activities, but my mind has had many issues.
-School.
-Boyfriend.
-Family.
Im so worried, about my results right now, they come on August 20th, I basically know i failed every course I took im not even going try and be optimistic right now because that would be fooling myself big time. I was talking to my mum, on Monday and I honestly think that i should move school, have a fresh start and work harder. This year i’ve been saying to myself i will work harder, but procrastination and ultimate laziness and over confidence has led to me failure. If i really want to go to University next year, i shouldnt carry on in the same attitude that I have been towards my studies.
Ever since I was little girl (haha) I’ve wanted to be nothing else but a Doctor, i hadn’t thought about nothing else but being a Doctor, i worked my way towards being a Doctor,…until i lost track in Year 12. Then one my day my aunty goes to me
‘I dont think you can be a Doctor, with these grades. Not yet anyway, have you thought about anything else’
I wont even lie, i burst into tears right infront her, (aha..sounds like some knock back sob story) reality had really hit home, I hadn’t thought of anything else to do, there was no back up plan, most of all there was and IS nothing else that i want to do apart from being a doctor, helping people, making people smile, treating people, facing a newer and greater challenge everyday. That little episode really made me think about how much I had been slacking, when i know i have the ability to do so much more, yeah i agree school is a drag sometimes, but right now its the greatest oppurtunity we have to make us bigger people, to push us forward. Without education in Britain your pretty much nothing, just another person in the system working in Sainsburys and claiming benefits of the Government. And i sincerely do not want to live like that at all.
Its just not the person I dream or being or want to be.

ohh dear…i think i got a bit carried away :( but i had to let it out.
ahh boyfriend, its not really having boyfriend trouble, hes really a great person and a great friend most of all. Hes really helped me sort my head out with the whole school business, but now I think about why my mum thinks its a good idea not to have a boyfriend whilst your at school, because when im supposed to be listening in class, i have the urge to be talking to my boyfriend so I end up texting him instead of listening to what the teacher says.
And then there’s the arguments, no matter how much i try to avoid an argument, it still happens, and I end up thinking about the arguing, getting upset over it and ranting to my best friend instead of concentrating on my studies or doing something more productive that will benefit me in the longrun.

But i guess thats how life works, if I want both things to work, I’ve got to live with the strains of both of them and work twice as hard.

aghhh family, they have such great expectations of me, that I really want to fulfill myself. Im expected to graduate, no question about it, but I dont want to graduate to fulfill their expectations I want to graduate for myself, because its something that I’ve worked hard for and I’ve acheived myself. Something which I deserve.
But there’s always that shadow behind you, your family. Yeah of course they are your support blanket in most situations, but with school its a different issue. They say they dont mind what you decide to you, but deep down you know that you must do what they want you to because you dont want to hurt them. If you fail a class, they’ll be pissed and you know it. Yeah sure, they’ll get over it but there’s no garuntee that they wont bring it up again just for you to know that you didnt live up to what they expected from you.
I know its not like this in all families, but Ive spoken to most of my friends and they feel the same, I find it quite unfair. But who knows, when I have a family of my own I may think differently.

So this post has basically been a rant sort of thing, sorry :(
but but but my itouch is soooooo great. I absolutely love it, and I would recommend it to anyone over the age of 10 aha.
Also i’ve recently become a coffee fiend, its terrible, im starting to live off of it, i’m to not eating breakfast or lunch im just drinking coffee, it hardly even burns my tounge anymore. I just love the taste of a Latte Macchiato, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, even my toes get warm! thats a bonus lol.

I think i might make another post later about the books ive read recently.
byebye xxoxox